Contempt: The Silent Killer of Relationships (And How to Stop It)

Mark Sceriha
3 days ago
5 min read

Not all relationship breakdowns are marked by shouting matches or dramatic arguments. In fact, some of the most painful fractures in a marriage don’t begin with a bang at all.

They begin with a subtle eye roll.

A sarcastic comment.

A dismissive sigh.

These seemingly harmless gestures may look like just stress or frustration in the moment. But when they become a pattern, they often signal something deeper and far more dangerous: contempt.

As a marriage counsellor on the Gold Coast, I’ve worked with countless couples who came to counselling not because of a major betrayal or explosive fight, but because of an emotional erosion that had slowly, quietly worn down the foundation of their relationship.

Let’s talk about why contempt is so destructive, how to recognise it, and most importantly, how to heal from it — whether through in-person couples therapy Gold Coast or relationship counselling online.

Why Contempt Is So Destructive

Contempt isn’t just another relationship issue. According to leading relationship research (notably by Dr. John Gottman), contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce.

Yes — even stronger than conflict, communication issues, or lack of intimacy.

Why?

Because contempt erodes the one thing every relationship needs to survive: respect.

When contempt enters a relationship, it sends a subtle but poisonous message: "I’m better than you." Over time, this emotional message accumulates — making a partner feel unseen, disrespected, and emotionally unsafe.

And when emotional safety disappears, so does vulnerability, connection, and affection.

What Contempt Sounds Like (Even When You Don’t Mean It)

You don’t have to shout or swear to be contemptuous. In fact, contempt often sounds a lot like sarcasm, jokes, or “harmless” teasing.

Here are a few examples of what contempt sounds like in a relationship:

“Wow, great job with the groceries... again.”
“Why do you always have to be so sensitive?”
[Eye roll] “You’re unbelievable.”
“Oh please, like that’s going to help.”

Even if you don’t mean to hurt your partner, these small comments — especially when repeated — send a loud message:

“You’re not worthy of my respect.”

As a long-time relationship counsellor Gold Coast couples turn to for help, I’ve seen how hard it can be to notice contempt creeping in until it’s done serious damage. That’s why awareness is the first step toward change.

Signs of Contempt in Marriage

So what does contempt actually look like day-to-day?

Here are some of the most common signs I see in couples during therapy sessions — both in-person and through relationship counselling online:

Eye rolling or exaggerated sighing during conversations
Mocking or sarcastic tone, especially when discussing serious topics
Correcting your partner in front of others
Dismissing concerns with phrases like “you’re overreacting” or “it’s not a big deal”
Passive-aggressive jokes or “playful” insults

While these behaviours might seem minor, their emotional impact can be enormous. Left unchecked, they create distance and resentment — and can eventually destroy the bond between partners.

The Good News: Contempt Can Be Replaced

Here’s the hopeful part — contempt doesn’t have to be a life sentence.

It can be unlearned. And it can be replaced with curiosity, empathy, and mutual respect.

At my couples therapy practice on the Gold Coast, I teach couples simple communication strategies that make a world of difference. One of the most powerful shifts is this:

Instead of:

😤 “You’re so lazy.”

Try:

🧠 “Hey, I’ve noticed the dishes are piling up. Can we talk about it?”

This kind of respectful communication isn’t just about being polite — it’s about protecting the emotional climate of your relationship. And it's exactly the kind of practical change we work on in marriage counselling online or in-person here on the Gold Coast.

A Marriage-Changing Practice

Next time you feel the urge to roll your eyes, make a cutting remark, or correct your partner mid-sentence — pause.

Take a deep breath and ask yourself:

“What do I really need right now?”
“How can I express that need with respect, not resentment?”
“Is my partner carrying something I might not be seeing?”

These self-reflective questions don’t just shift your mindset — they rewire the way you relate.

Over time, choosing empathy over ego doesn’t just avoid conflict. It builds trust. And trust is the foundation for long-lasting love.

Whether you’re attending relationship counselling on the Gold Coast or accessing marriage counselling online, this principle is core to every healing conversation we facilitate.

Why Many Couples Don’t Notice Contempt Until It’s Too Late

The tricky thing about contempt is that it often feels justified.

You’re tired.

You’ve asked for help a hundred times.

You’re frustrated that nothing is changing.

So the sarcasm slips out. The teasing turns a bit sharper. The jokes carry an undertone of criticism.

But when contempt becomes a habit, something else starts to happen:

One partner begins to withdraw emotionally.
Defensiveness increases.
Communication becomes superficial or nonexistent.
Affection fades.

Soon, couples find themselves living more like housemates than lovers — and they’re not sure how they got there.

If this feels familiar, please know you’re not alone. And there is help available. Whether it’s with a Gold Coast marriage counsellor or through online relationship counselling, the healing process starts with both partners learning to see — and replace — contempt with compassion.

The Path Forward: Rebuilding with Curiosity and Compassion

Healing from contempt doesn’t mean avoiding all conflict.

In fact, healthy couples argue — but they do so with respect.

They don’t belittle or mock. They stay curious. They stay connected, even when it’s hard.

Here are a few simple practices to start rebuilding today:

Name what’s really going on — instead of shaming your partner, share your feelings and needs directly.
Practice repair — when you mess up (and we all do), acknowledge it and make amends.
Choose empathy daily — try to see the world from your partner’s perspective before reacting.

And if you’re struggling to do this on your own, that’s not a failure — that’s a sign it’s time to seek support.

Work With a Marriage Counsellor: Online or in Gold Coast

If you’re noticing signs of contempt in your relationship, don’t wait until things get worse.

Getting help from a qualified marriage counsellor on the Gold Coast or through online couples therapy can be the turning point you need.

I offer compassionate, evidence-based support to couples facing challenges with communication, trust, intimacy, and emotional safety. Whether you're local to the Gold Coast or joining from anywhere in Australia, relationship counselling online can help you reconnect and rebuild.