Why You Talk Past Each Other (It’s Not What You Think)
- Mark Sceriha
- Jul 23
- 4 min read
Have you ever poured your heart out — calmly, clearly, respectfully — and still felt completely unheard?
Maybe your partner shut down. Maybe they got defensive. Or maybe they just nodded, said “okay,” and walked away — but nothing really changed.
It’s maddening.
And if you’re like most couples I see as a marriage counsellor on the Gold Coast, you’ve probably wondered:“Why is this so hard? Why can’t we just communicate?”
Here’s the surprising truth:It’s not just a communication issue. It’s a nervous system issue.
This one insight has changed everything for many of my clients, both in-person through relationship counselling Gold Coast and virtually via marriage counselling online. When you understand how the nervous system affects connection, your whole approach to communication shifts — and your relationship begins to heal.
Communication Breakdowns Aren’t Just About Words
Most couples assume that if they just say things more clearly, calmly, or at the right volume, communication will click.
But here’s what actually happens in many relationships:
One partner approaches the conversation ready to talk things through.
The other partner feels an emotional shift — even a subtle one — and their nervous system closes down.
They shut off, defend, deflect, or misunderstand — not because they’re trying to, but because their body doesn’t feel safe.
This isn’t a conscious choice. It’s biology.
When a person’s nervous system detects emotional threat — whether real or perceived — it automatically moves into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. That protective state blocks connection.
Even the kindest words can feel like pressure. Even the most logical conversation can feel like conflict.
And until that threat subsides, communication will struggle — no matter how well it's phrased.
This is a key principle in my work with couples in Gold Coast couples therapy and with clients seeking relationship counselling online from other parts of Australia.
What Most Couples Get Wrong
When you’re not being heard, it’s natural to try harder. You might:
🔁 Repeat yourself — over and over.
🔊 Say it louder or slower — hoping it finally sinks in.
😠 Take it personally and get frustrated — feeling like you’re being ignored or dismissed.
But here’s the problem with that approach:
It adds more pressure to an already activated nervous system.
The more your partner feels cornered or scrutinized, the less likely they are to engage — even if they want to.
In my sessions offering relationship counselling on the Gold Coast, I help couples understand that connection doesn’t happen through repetition or persuasion. It happens through safety.
Safety Before Strategy: What to Do Instead
The game-changing shift?Make emotional safety the goal — not just clarity.
Here’s how:
✅ Choose the right time — Don’t bring up sensitive issues when your partner is rushed, tired, stressed, or already overwhelmed.
✅ Set the emotional tone — A simple heads-up can help:
“Hey, I’d love to talk about something important. No pressure — I just want us to connect.”
✅ State your intention — This reduces defensiveness:
“I’m not here to argue or win. I want to understand your experience and share mine.”
These strategies create what I call “connection conditions.” They signal to your partner’s nervous system: This is safe. You can stay open. You won’t be attacked.
This is a foundational tool in both my in-person Gold Coast marriage counselling sessions and online relationship therapy — because no communication technique works unless the emotional environment supports it.
Regulated Nervous Systems Make Relationships Work
Let’s be clear: this isn’t about avoiding hard conversations. It’s about choosing the right conditions for those conversations to succeed.
When both partners feel emotionally safe:
They stay grounded instead of reactive.
They listen without rehearsing their rebuttal.
They speak from a place of vulnerability instead of defense.
They connect — even when they disagree.
That’s the power of a regulated nervous system. It opens the door to empathy, honesty, and real change.
Common Triggers That Disrupt Safety
In my work as a marriage counsellor Gold Coast couples rely on for support, I often help clients uncover the subtle triggers that lead to disconnection. These include:
Tone of voice — Even gentle words can feel harsh if the tone is tense or sarcastic.
Timing — Late-night conversations or mid-task interruptions often backfire.
Facial expressions — Eye rolls, smirks, or furrowed brows can activate defensiveness.
Historical pain — If the topic touches an old wound (even from childhood), the nervous system may react as if it's happening all over again.
Understanding these triggers isn’t about blaming your partner — it’s about getting curious instead of critical.
How Relationship Counselling Can Help
If you and your partner are stuck in a cycle of miscommunication, it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. It likely means your emotional safety needs repair.
That’s where relationship counselling Gold Coast or couples therapy online can help.
In our sessions, we don’t just talk about what’s going wrong — we look at what’s going on underneath:
What nervous system patterns are playing out?
What unmet needs are going unspoken?
What past experiences are shaping current reactions?
We work together to build tools that restore safety, regulate emotions, and rewire how you connect — even in conflict.
Why This Approach Works (Even When Nothing Else Has)
Many couples come to counselling after trying every book, blog, or podcast out there.
They’ve tried the scripts. The date nights. The communication tools.
And they’re still stuck.
Why?
Because strategies alone can’t override a dysregulated nervous system.
Until you feel safe in each other’s presence — especially during hard moments — you’ll keep talking past each other.
That’s why nervous system awareness is at the heart of the way I support couples, whether through marriage counselling Gold Coast or online relationship therapy sessions for those interstate.
The Bottom Line
Communication isn’t just about words. It’s about when, how, and in what emotional climate those words are spoken.
If your conversations keep missing the mark, don’t assume your relationship is broken.
Ask yourself:
“Is this a moment of safety or defence?”
That one question can change everything.
Because once you create emotional safety, communication starts to land — and love starts to grow again.
Ready to Talk in a Way That Truly Connects?
If you’re tired of talking past each other and ready to build real connection, I’d love to support you.
I offer:
Marriage counselling Gold Coast (in-person)
Marriage counselling online (for couples across Australia)
Tailored relationship counselling sessions that focus on nervous system regulation, emotional safety, and deep communication

Counselling therapy emphasizes that strong family ties are built on consistent love and encouragement 💕. One simple yet impactful way is by sending a good morning prayer message. 🌸 Such gestures help reduce stress and show care, making each day start with positivity. Families that practice this often notice deeper bonds and fewer conflicts. 🌞 Small habits like these truly complement professional guidance and healing in relationships.